Most every early morning, before I have even started my day, I am called upon to listen, to be a caregiver, to help or encourage or just hear so that person can purge what is inside and not have to bear it alone. That is how my day starts, and it continues on through the day as many times as needed until I go to bed. The weight of this, depending on how strong or weak I am that day, is often extremely heavy.
This morning was a morning that I crumbled. As the tears fell when I was alone and the body convulsed and the feeling of futility took over, I felt, as I have before, I just don't want to live this life anymore. I don't at all mean that I am suicidal, though I have come to understand why people arrive at that point. And my heart aches for them because I do understand, but an eternal optimism beats strongly in my heart whether I am too weary to feel it or not. I just wish this wasn't my life, our life, so not the life we envisioned. But it is. At least for now, unless or until things get better, and we have to live each day in the meantime the best that we can. I have learned to give myself a break, to not be perfect.
I took a cup of coffee and my Kindle out to the porch this morning, just to get away and try to refresh. Sitting in the warmth of the sun, thank God for the sun, I read the sample of this book and then, sensing it was what I needed, at this time, I touched the Buy for $9.27 button, which killed me because money is pretty tight with everything going on right now and the book was on sale for $1.99 a couple of days ago but I didn’t have the time to really check it out then, and yes, I pause even for a dollar ninety-nine. When I saw yesterday that it was not on sale anymore I had this insane need to contact someone and say, please, isn’t there a grace period for something like this? I really need this book. Whimper, whimper, whimper. And yes, I actually shed tears.
Because this is the book description:
If your life isn't perfect . . .
If you've ever been disappointed . . .
If you feel stressed or tired . . .
This is for you.
You really are going to be okay. And it truly is possible to live with joy, resilience, and strength no matter what life brings. Yes, there will be hurt and hard times. But God wants to help you find ways to survive, grow stronger, and even thrive--no matter what happens. For every woman who has been disappointed, who has watched a dream disappear, whose life isn't what she imagined it would be, bestselling author Holley Gerth has a heartfelt message of hope.
With her trademark positive encouragement and probing questions for self-reflection, Holley encourages women to spend less of their lives regretting and more of their lives truly living. She shows them how to guard their hearts against despair and look to the future with confidence, remembering that they are part of a greater plan and nothing can stop God's purposes for them.
I think part of the reason I was interested to read what she has to say is because she is a licensed counselor. I feel like I would love to pour my heart out to a counselor, just to hear something back, but it will be enough for me to read what she has to say, truths she has learned and can share to remind me of things I already knew and have lost sight of in my grief or show me things I’ve never seen in quite just that way.
I am confident of this because I am loved by God and I know that’s what He does, uses things like this to speak to me, to wrap his arms around me, and let me know everything will be okay.
Until then. 
